At Peace


{Roxy Doodles : 1999-2011}

Yesterday, we said goodbye to Roxy. Letting go was perhaps the most heartbreaking decision we have ever had to make, and the grief is greater than I could have ever imagined.

I plan to write a "real" eulogy when my heart is a little less raw, but I want to devote that to who Roxy was... and not what did her in.

And, what exactly happened?! We still don't know for sure, which makes the events of the past few days even harder to process.

About a month ago, we noticed that Roxy was a little "off." I brought her in to the vet who noted the same things as I had... and thought it would be wise to do some blood work. A week later, it was obvious that something was really wrong, even though the blood work had come back normal. An emotional two weeks followed with testing, vet appointments, and even an animal hospital visit. The news was grim. It looked like cancer. Specifically, it looked like Hemangiosarcoma... an aggressive, insidious cancer. Unfortunately, when diagnosing canine cancer, you can't be 100% sure unless you rule everything else out. We chose instead to stop the diagnostic testing. It was getting increasingly more intrusive to her... and it was clear she didn't have much time left. Once we knew it wasn't some "fluky virus," we just tried to make her as comfortable as we could.

She came home last Wednesday, and we had five last days with her... most of them good. On Sunday evening, her symptoms started returning and we could see the discomfort rising. It was then that we made the decision that it was time.

I think it's going to be a long time before I can say her name without my voice cracking, or when I can think of a memory without a pit forming in my stomach. And I definitely think it's going to be a while before I can tell you a funny story about her without tears streaming down my face... but someone once told me that the more you cry over something, the greater it's importance. I think it's safe to say Roxy was very important to us, and her presence here is missed greatly.

While I would drain all my savings accounts in a heartbeat for another year with her, I'm glad that it was so quick in the end. As horrible as it was, it was quick. She didn't suffer for months, and that brings me great solace.

Roxy girl... my Doodles... you will always be my first baby. I hope I blessed your life as much as you blessed mine, you brought joy into my life in so many different ways. I regret not spending more time loving on you, and I regret all those times you had to play second fiddle to the second baby in my life. I hope that the extra treats, and cheez-its, compensated for it. I wish we had more time together, you will never be forgotten.

Rest in Peace, Roxy Doodles. We love you.