3 Hours

Three Hours. That's the average amount of sleep I've been logging per night the past week. Nope, not kidding. Nope, not exaggerating... although I wish I were! I've had a good night in there (six hours), and a bad one, last night, where I only got about an hour/hour and a half... but pretty much it's been about 3-3.5 hours a night. I am freaking exhausted. Listen, I get that some have it just as bad, or worse, than I do. For the most part these days, I can consistently get 6-7 hours a night. Yes, I'd like a good eight hours (or more) every so often, but really... I can work with that. What kills me is when we go through these rough patches every so often. (And by so often I mean every 4-6 weeks. I'm not sure if this sleep log is a blessing or a curse?!) I can't even describe how disheartening I find it to be going for a few weeks sleeping through the night, getting up at a decent hour, and then ... BAM! It's right back to the dark days. The ones where I am struggling to survive the days, counting the hours to bedtime, while simultaneously hoping with all my being that tonight is the night where he stays asleep all . night . long.  I despise bringing it up, because honestly... I don't want advice. It is what it is, and I know we'll be back to our "good place" soon (though not nearly soon enough) and I'll forget about how bad it is until I'm in it again. I don't want the well-intentioned suggestions about going to bed earlier, napping when he does, or trying to mix up the bedtime routine. (That's the one that requires every ounce of energy not to throttle the person saying it since going to sleep is very rarely the issue.) But, yet, I need to complain. I'm tired so I'm allowed to be illogical, right?!

I've thought long and hard about why this is still so hard for me, and I think it comes down to a few things. One, three hours is just not enough sleep. Ever. Which makes me sensitive on a whole different level. And it's very easy to think of how unfair the world feels after several consecutive days of very . little . sleep. Two, I feel like I have paid my dues. No, really. I didn't get any sleep for the first six months S was home. Like any sleep. (And I checked the sleep log to confirm that.) The next six months were survivable... barely. We're coming up on 18 months together and I feel like a three-year-old who is stomping their feet and screaming "it's not fair!" but I would really like to know when this is going to be over. Each time we have a relapse, I'm crushed. Crushed. And every single time, I think "I'm not going to get lulled into a sense of security and take sleep for granted" but I always do... and the rug is always pulled out from under me. I think if I knew "We'll have four weeks of awesome sleep followed by four days of horrible sleep, followed by another six of good sleep," I'd be able to cope much better. Third, I think my kid is pretty awesome, and he's quite an amazing little person when he's in a good sleep groove. When he's not, he's just not the same. And it kills me to see him struggle with the sleep deprivation like I am. This round of sleeplessness is due to a cold, which I feel like he'll never get over without logging some serious zzzzzs. I guess I should count my blessings that we aren't going through one of his "Mama, let's discuss things and sing songs at 2 am in the morning, ok?!" grooves. And yes, we have those too... and they are waaaaay more frustrating.

So there you have it. Our week in a nutshell. OK, I vented. I feel better. Now if only I could log some decent sleep, I think I'd feel amazing! Trust me when I say I'm just as tired writing about this as you are reading about this... I hope there aren't too many more of these posts in my future. {sigh}

Two notes : One, Doug did take Spencer today so I could nap. Man, that was amazing. Hubs, you rock. Two, we've had two wake-ups while writing this post, so in my defense, going to sleep early really wouldn't gain me anything except more frustration. (Note to self : look up the difference between a vaporizer and a humidifier tomorrow)

And while I'm on a vent... why do we still have no real fall foliage here?!


Lastly, how is he this happy...


... and goofy ...


... after so little sleep!? I need to learn his secret!